ARTICLES
in your life really a
Vampire!
By Gill Ecnal.
It's happened to all of us at one point or another. You meet that special someone and you think this could be the one. that wonderful person you can see spending the rest of your life with. though you've only just met you can stop thinking about them and then it happens. He or she sprouts fangs and tries to rip your throat out. Your left with no choice but having to shove a sharpened stake in their heart and sever their head. Talk about a messy breakup, never mind trying to convince the authorities you had no choice.
So here's a short guide in no particular order on what warning signs to look out for.
1. do they pause often during a brunch date, to apply copious amounts of sun screen.
2. Are they more interested in giving you hickeys, than making out.
3. Are they constantly wearing expensive UV protection sunglasses.
4. Are they always working the night shift.
5. Are they always suggesting night activities for dates.
6. Are they employed as a lawyer. note: Not all lawyers are vampires but they are all blood suckers.
7. Do they have a buy one get one free coupon for the local blood bank in their wallet.
8. Do they begin to drool after you accidentally scrape your knee or cut your finger with a pairing knife.
9. Is their drink of choice a Bloody Marry.
10. Is their refrigerator empty except for a sampler basket from the local blood bank.
11. Are you unable to refuse their every request.
12. Do they claim to be allergic to garlic.
13. Do they claim to be an atheist or follow some new age religion.
14. Are they unusually concerned with their dental hygiene.
15. DO THEY LACK A REFLECTION.
More to be added at a later date.
ZOMBIE CLASS T 245 OR BRIAN EATING ZOMBIES
245 Trioxin was developed by the Darrell Corporation for the military. It was meant to be used as a pesticide to combat Marijuana crops. It would kill off healthy plants and mutate seed germination, so as to remove the pleasant affects once the new plant strain matures. The military had high hopes for 245 Trioxin, it would not only kill off and mutate marijuana plants but also infect other Marijuana plant not exposed directly to 245 Trioxin threw pollination.
What the Darrell Corporation failed notice before it was to late was the affect 245 Trioxin had on animal matter, living or expired. if inhaled, absorbed through skin swallowed or injected the infected will turn into a zombie class T 245. Time till infected changes varies based on the dosage. if exposed to body fluid or bitten by the infected, the victim will also turn into a Zombie class T 245. a corpse bitten by infected will turn into a Zombie class T 245. symptoms of exposure include flue like symptoms, lowered body temperature, Head ache, paleness of skin, stiffening of joints. this is however signs that the victim is already dead, and those conditions are actually sings of Rigor Mortise setting in. One should note that though class T 245 zombies are mentally defective, they do in fact retain much of who they where. Speech and many memories are retained. A re-animated corps has a heighten sense of smell and in particular, they can smell living brains and have been quoted “ Your brain smells rich and spicy”. Class T 245 Zombies don’t eat flesh its brains they want. when a zombie is re-animated it feels pain and the consumption of brains( endorphins )alleviates that pain, also military researcher have discovered that the electrical discharge from neurons in the brain is sought after by the class T 245 Zombies as this stimulates neuro receptors and facilitates ambulatory activity. they can feel old injuries that may have caused their death. they can also feel themselves rotting. The zombie becomes passive once it has eaten brain matter, this is only short lived and they will soon be in search of more brains. warning a head shot to the brain wont stop them. you could chop them up and the pieces will come after you. If you cremate them the ash could contaminate corpses in grave yards or even animal road kill. the infection is not limited humans. Just a quick note the class T 5 (Trioxin 5 ) Zombie are identical to class T 245 Zombies except a bullet to the brain will re-kill a T 5 Zombie. When the military realized the weapons possibilities of class T 245 Zombies, research was taken over by Pentagon Special Operations Department. Their researched showed a 25sec re-animation rate of corpses exposed to Trioxin 245 in its gas form.The most cost effective and safest means of disposal of infected is cremation. but an industrial bio filter is required to prevent contamination. the military had experimented with a nitrogen based bullet to suppress the infected, pressurized air was used as the propellant as a powder based propellent would damage the bullet and render the nitrogen infective. this attempted was a failure do to duration of inactivity of the infected subdued by the nitrogen based bullet which only lasted 1min 30 sec. In 1969 prior to the invent of bio filters. the re animated where contained in insulated steal drums along with nitrogen. Do to a military mix up some of these containers where shipped to the wrong locations. To this day not all of the containers have been accounted for. If a container is discovered, do not temper with it. immediately call the following number “311-555-8674“ where the military will provide further instructions.
Mummies,
a great alternative
to potpourri.
.by Martha Skewered
Has this ever happened to you?
You've just cleaned out the cats litter box and that not so fresh scent is still in the air. The in-laws are do to arrive for dinner at any time and you know how critical your mother in-law can be. You soon discover that you're out of potpourri and Jr. used up all the Lysol to burn a wasp nest in the back yard. Oh no! what ever will you do?
Relax, the answer is simple. first you will need a good pair of garden shears and a cheese grater or a coffee grinder. Though not as sturdy, scissors will work in a pinch too. Now head into the garage or basement or where ever you keep your dusty old vanquished mummies. Using your garden shears, snip off a piece of your mummy. Remember, a little goes a long way so you wont need much. I find a teaspoons worth will do the trick. Now using your cheese grater, grate your mummy piece vigorously. be careful not to cut yourself, you don't want to reactivate a mummy curse. How will you explain that to your mother in-law. If your using a coffee grinder, be sure you don't grind it into a powder. that could lead to your time wasted, cleaning caked on mummy remains out of your potpourri dish.
Now combine a cup of holy water ( better safe than sorry) and your teaspoon of mummy remains in your favorite potpourri dish and place over a lit candle. Soon your home will be filled with that wonderful scent of spices, wild flowers and exotic fruits. MMMMmmm now that's a fragrant mummy and that's a good thing.
Is it safe to have my honeymoon in the Dominican Republic
by Lance Glisson
A young couple planing a honeymoon in the Dominican republic had posed the question. Is it safe there with Hatti being so close, with the whole Zombie issue and all?
One must take into consideration that Haitian Zombies are not contagious nor are they in most cases dangerous.
In addition to this, even though Hatti and the Dominican republic share residence on the island of Hispaniola. Most respectable Dominican resorts are not near the Haitian boarders, as this would be in conflict with their economic revenue. That is, with tourism being one of their chief revenues.
Bare in mind though, with the 7.0 earthquake that devastated Port a Prince and killed roughly 316000 people. The black market has seen a slight rise in the Zombie slave trade. This is not surprising considering that before the earthquake, 42.2% of the population where below the national poverty line. Since the earthquake, this rate has increased and the exact number yet to be determined.
Should you go or not, only you can decide for sure. If you do go, remember the golden rule. Do not stray from the designated resort areas. A hotel concierge can assist you, should you be unsure of the resort boarders. Personally, I wouldn't worry, as I wouldn't leave the honeymoon suite ( boom chicka chicka wha wha).
